Wise Insights on Life and Living


July 2015

She Thinks I’m Stupid – The Social Media Edition


What’s worse, an attractive woman who is naive, and doesn’t realize that men are coming on to her, or an attractive woman who pretends that she doesn’t realize that men are coming on to her?

A man has a hot girlfriend.  He likes the fact that she’s hot, and that other men (and women) find her attractive.  She’s a girly girl who is straight up fancy – hair done, nails done, everything did.  His problem with her is that she allows herself to be put into situations with other guys that could be considered “questionable.”  Nothing blatantly disrespectful, but those subtle little eyebrow raising scenarios.  She always leaves just enough wiggle room to claim (or feign) innocence or ignorance

For example, she’s had a couple of guys from her past reach out to her on social media.  Again, nothing blatant in the beginning.  They weren’t old boyfriends or anything, just guys she went to school with who were trying to reach out.  Or so she (supposedly) thought.

So, at some point she’s sitting with the boyfriend and her phone rings.  She answers the phone with an exasperated tone – heavy sigh and all.  She brushes the caller off quickly, then innocently tells her boyfriend about how this dude from her past has been sweating her.  Calling and texting, and shit, even though she has made it clear that she has a boyfriend and has no interest, other than him “liking” her Facebook photos – after all, she still wants people from back-in-the-day to see she’s still looking good.

The boyfriend responds the way any boyfriend would, assuming he has testicles:  “How did he get your phone number?” (See, men understand that a dude’s going to be a dude.  We expect that.  Fairly or unfairly, we put the onus on our women to avoid that foolishness altogether.)

The girlfriend goes on to explain that “he said he just wanted to talk to me to see how my mother is doing.  So I gave him my number.”

And with the other guy it was “he said he wanted to ask me a question, but he didn’t want to do it over the internet.  So I gave him my number.”

Now the boyfriend has got to deal with his woman being bombarded with phone calls from dudes trying to “get reacquainted” with her.  (Of course, “get reacquainted” is a total euphemism for a dude trying to fuck your girlfriend.)

The boyfriend considers himself a modern man, in a modern world, so he tries to move past it.  Social media is here to stay.  Afterall, she’s HIS girl, and they are together.  In fact, after one of several arguments on the subject, he decided to let it go and trust his girl.  He can’t worry about these other clowns out here.  They’re clowns, after all.  The brother was at peace with it.  Finally.

Early one morning, as the sun was rising, the boyfriend decided to put that “morning wood” to good use and make love to his beautiful woman.  (Mm, mm, mm, nothing like making love first thing in the morning.)  It was great.

In his head he’s thinking yes, this is what it’s all about.  He pulls his lady close and hugs her tightly, basking in the afterglow of their sweet morning session.  Then her hears it.  Her phone chirps.  She’s gotten a text message.

A she reaches for her phone, he gently grabs her hand.  He leans over her and grabs it off the nightstand himself.  Some dude has sent her a text message:  “Good morning beautiful.  I’m thinking about you.”

You can guess the rest.  They had a big fight.  Now he’s mad and insisted she block the guy from her phone.  And she’s mad because she feels she did nothing wrong, and that the boyfriend is overreacting and being controlling.  This whole scenario has led to a loss of trust on the boyfriend’s part.

Anyway, the point is that all of this should have been avoided.  She knew, or should have known, that these guys were trying to do more than just say hi.  Hot girls should know better.  Lukewarm girls should know better.  Anybody over the age of 25 should know better.

The point is that, no woman (or man) in the year 2015 should be getting tricked out of their phone number.  And personally, I don’t think that they do.  I think they know exactly what’s going on.  People go into those situations with their eyes wide open.  They are enjoying the attention and/or exploring their options.


Idiots are Made, Not Born (And It’s Your Fault)

2009 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

My friend Leah, after ending a 2-year exclusive relationship, called me, in tears, and asked the following question: “Why are men such idiots?!”

Two days later, another friend, Tracee, called after an exasperating second date and made the following declaration: ” Men are idiots.”

The details of their individual situations don’t really matter as much as the fact that they came to the same conclusion after experiencing vastly different sample sizes. I’ll offer this though: Leah’s guy seemed to be a good dude, but had issues with maturity and committment. Tracee’s guy, well, he IS an idiot.

My initial inclination both times was to say something dismissive like, “Welcome to the world of dating.” Or to give a smart-ass, “Suck it up.” I chose, however, not to offer either of those gems because they both really have come to expect more thoughfulness from me – though I’m not sure why.

What followed was a series of conversations with Leah that, while they didn’t resolve issues of why certain men are idiots, they hopefully shed some light on men’s behavior and left her better equipped as she moved forward trying to get her groove back.

For starters, my dear friend reads too many books on dating. She has all these rules, and expectations that sound great in theory, and even manage to get a few people paid, but none of that stuff really matters.  Most of it isn’t applicable to real life situations.

Here’s the real deal:  women are expected to be bettter people.  They just are. They’re taught from early on to be caring, and compassionate.  Men, on the other hand are allowed to be assholes.  Often, it’s instilled in them.  It’s just a fact.

Think about it. Little girls are taught to be honest, play nicely, and to care for others. And that’s a beautiful thing, really.

Little boys are taught to be rough and tough, and to win at all costs. What do you think sports are all about?  And please, don’t give me any nonsense about girls also playing sports.  It’s not the same.  I recently went to a girls youth-league basketball game and the girls were not allowed to take the ball away from the other team. Huh?!  If that’s not right out of the Stepford Wives starter kit I don’t know what is.

Little girls are given dolls that need to be fed and have their diapers changed.  Boys are given things to play at fighting, making war, or to generally beat someone at something.  Traditionally, young women go into the world idealistically, hoping to make it a better place.  Men, on the other hand, go out into the world seeking to conquer it, or at least some aspect of it.  Women are often as ambitious and accommplished as men, they just go about it differntly.

These differences are reinforced by almost every societal institution we have.  The schools – look at the differences in the approach to athletics; the Church – women are still struggling to gain acceptance in and access to the pulpit; contemporary music – no example necessary (almost any Hip Hop video will do); movies – most still play on the old “damsel in distress”/”night in shining armor” fairytale narrative as they relate to relationships (and also, men are usually in them blowing shit up).

How does this dynamic play out when it comes to relationships?  Most women enter into a new relationship, and early on, are enthusiastic and optomistic, wondering if it could lead to the wonderful life she’s always been told she should want.  She wonders if he could be The One. (We can address her neediness another time.)

Men – we just trying to get the drawers (slight oversimplification, maybe, but true for the most part).

I heard some of the most mysoginistic stuff as a young fella coming of age.  Older male relatives and guys from the neighborhood would often offer up some real doosies.  I don’t know a single guy who didn’t hear things like “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?” or “Only a poor rat has just one hole.”  And my personal favorite, “The only thing better than pussy is new pussy.”  (No, Chris Rock was not the first person to say that.  It was my Cousin Larry.)

Luckily, some men grow and mature, and are able to overcome the macho baggage we’ve been saddled with.  Some of us can merely suppress it.  That means it’s still there  – lurking just below the surface.

Our little chats didn’t solve my friends dating woes by any means.  Hopefully, it shed some light on men and left her better equipped to deal with the idiots she will likely encounter in the future.


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