Search

THE WILL REPORT

Wise Insights on Life and Living

slide-125

How is it that a man and a woman can share the exact same moment, or encounter together and perceive things about that event so differently?  I mean, it’s baffling enough that my girl won’t sit down and watch the movie Life with me every time it comes on television (or New Jack City for that matter), but that’s a matter of personal tastes.  I get that.

I’m talking about when a couple is making memories of their own, and completely miss each other’s perspective.

Okay, here’s the story:

A man and a woman are in a long distance relationship, but are crazy about each other and are determined to make it work.  The boyfriend (BF) had to go out-of-town for an event.  Since they were overdue for a visit, and the girlfriend (GF) had family in that city, he asked if she would like to join him on the trip.  Of course, GF said yes.  (Side note:  The event was in a cold weather state in the dead of winter, and she was traveling from sunny, always-warm Florida.  That will be relevant later in the story.)

So, BF arrived there first, and therefore it was his responsibility to pick up GF from the airport – which he did excitedly.  They drove to the hotel and checked in.  After that, they did some general, run-of-the-mill things like go to the mall, visit her relatives, and go to dinner.  In general they just hung out, up until the time he was to attend the event.  The next day was a repeat of the first, minus the event.

Anyway…at the conclusion of the trip, and on the way to the airport, BF sensed something was wrong.  GF wasn’t her usual exuberant, chatty self.  She seemed to be in a bit of a mood.  This perplexed BF.  He had a great time.  It was not so much that they were in this interesting place, doing interesting things (and neither of them liked the cold), but they were together.  BF cherished the limited time they were able to spend together.  He hoped she did too, but at that moment, it certainly didn’t seem that way.

After much probing and prodding BF finally got GF to talk to him about what was bothering her.  In her mind, there had been a series of “slights” that BF had committed during the weekend that added up and created doubt in her mind.  She wondered if these items were indicative of bigger problems that would ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship.

The first item on her list was that he was late picking her up from the airport.  In her mind, that had gotten things off to a bad start, and demonstrated a lack of interest by him in seeing her.  If BF was so eager to see her, she thought, he would have been there early (and flowers would have added a nice touch).

Then there was the notion that BF didn’t have anything planned for them to do.  Even though neither of them lived in that city, she thought that it would have been nice if he had done a little research, and come up with something.  The notion that BF was “winging it” made her feel that he didn’t care enough to go through the trouble of planning their limited time.  She wanted every minute to count.

And the most egregious, appalling, and unforgivable sin of all:  he didn’t wake up in the morning and go get her Starbucks coffee (deep gasp…Oh the humanity!).  She had to go out into the cold and get it herself (another, even deeper gasp…Off with his head!).

BF pretended to listen patiently while GF went on about his shortcomings.  What he really wanted to do was pull the car over and shake her.  Hard.  (Is shaking still allowed?  Probably not.  Strike that.)  BF was amazed at how differently they internalized the exact same experiences.

Let’s take them one at time from BF’s perspective:

GF focused on him being late picking her up from the airport.  BF didn’t even remember if he had actually been late.  Of course, that didn’t matter if she thought he was late.  The thing that BF remembered about the ride from the airport was that they had talked non-stop for about an hour.  There was no awkward silence that sometimes happens when people haven’t been in each others company for a while.  Just the two of them, hanging on each other’s every word.  They had even joked about how they had ridden for over an hour without ever turning on the radio.  That is what he had taken from the ride from the airport.

Next, the fact that he hadn’t planned anything bothered her.  Actually, BF knew that GF had a sister in the area who she hadn’t seen for quite some time.  He thought it would be nice if they had a chance to spend some time together.  In fact, BF wasn’t so much “winging it”, as he was being flexible to accommodate GF and her sister’s plans.  When he joined GF, her sister, and niece for dinner later that evening, with all the reminiscent conversation and laughter, it confirmed that he had made the right decision.

And the Starbucks thing…BF’s point was that he was in a warm bed, with a beautiful (and naked) woman, who he happened to love.  Why in the heck would he leave her loving embrace and go out in the cold and snow?  He wouldn’t.  BF wanted to stay and continue cuddling with her (and maybe even get in another “session”)  Besides, there was instant coffee across the room on the desk.  Coffee is coffee, right?!

After talking it out, GF concluded that BF was insensitive and inattentive to her needs, and generally, a bad boyfriend.

BF concluded that her ass was crazy.

How could they have had such differing perceptions of time spent together?

Now, what have we learned from this little scenario?  Ladies first:

In general, women should stop making every act that a man commits – or doesn’t commit – a referendum on how he feels about the relationship.  Maybe, when a man tells you he doesn’t feel like talking because he’s tired from working 12 hours on a given day, maybe he’s really tired from working 12 hours and doesn’t feel like talking. It may have nothing to do with you.

Every request you make should not be a hoop for him to jump through to prove his devotion.  You don’t even like museums!  Why make your man go do some shit that you don’t even want to do, just so he can demonstrate that he’s down for you?!  You’re bored and miserable too…but he proved his devotion, right?

Here’s the deal ladies:  don’t be so quick to condemn a man’s every action simply because it’s not the way that YOU would act in a given situation.  We are different for a reason.  Men are not always insensitive, or inattentive (many times, maybe, but not always).  So maybe there should be a little more communication before jumping to negative conclusions.  Think about it.

Men, there is a basic lesson I hope you learn from this little story:

Getcho ass up and get your girl her effing Starbucks!  That stuff is worse than crack.  The morning session – and the rest of the trip – will be that much better as a result.

Advertisements

She Thinks I’m Stupid – The Social Media Edition

guy-looking-at-girls-phone

What’s worse, an attractive woman who is naive, and doesn’t realize that men are coming on to her, or an attractive woman who pretends that she doesn’t realize that men are coming on to her?

A man has a hot girlfriend.  He likes the fact that she’s hot, and that other men (and women) find her attractive.  She’s a girly girl who is straight up fancy – hair done, nails done, everything did.  His problem with her is that she allows herself to be put into situations with other guys that could be considered “questionable.”  Nothing blatantly disrespectful, but those subtle little eyebrow raising scenarios.  She always leaves just enough wiggle room to claim (or feign) innocence or ignorance

For example, she’s had a couple of guys from her past reach out to her on social media.  Again, nothing blatant in the beginning.  They weren’t old boyfriends or anything, just guys she went to school with who were trying to reach out.  Or so she (supposedly) thought.

So, at some point she’s sitting with the boyfriend and her phone rings.  She answers the phone with an exasperated tone – heavy sigh and all.  She brushes the caller off quickly, then innocently tells her boyfriend about how this dude from her past has been sweating her.  Calling and texting, and shit, even though she has made it clear that she has a boyfriend and has no interest, other than him “liking” her Facebook photos – after all, she still wants people from back-in-the-day to see she’s still looking good.

The boyfriend responds the way any boyfriend would, assuming he has testicles:  “How did he get your phone number?” (See, men understand that a dude’s going to be a dude.  We expect that.  Fairly or unfairly, we put the onus on our women to avoid that foolishness altogether.)

The girlfriend goes on to explain that “he said he just wanted to talk to me to see how my mother is doing.  So I gave him my number.”

And with the other guy it was “he said he wanted to ask me a question, but he didn’t want to do it over the internet.  So I gave him my number.”

Now the boyfriend has got to deal with his woman being bombarded with phone calls from dudes trying to “get reacquainted” with her.  (Of course, “get reacquainted” is a total euphemism for a dude trying to fuck your girlfriend.)

The boyfriend considers himself a modern man, in a modern world, so he tries to move past it.  Social media is here to stay.  Afterall, she’s HIS girl, and they are together.  In fact, after one of several arguments on the subject, he decided to let it go and trust his girl.  He can’t worry about these other clowns out here.  They’re clowns, after all.  The brother was at peace with it.  Finally.

Early one morning, as the sun was rising, the boyfriend decided to put that “morning wood” to good use and make love to his beautiful woman.  (Mm, mm, mm, nothing like making love first thing in the morning.)  It was great.

In his head he’s thinking yes, this is what it’s all about.  He pulls his lady close and hugs her tightly, basking in the afterglow of their sweet morning session.  Then her hears it.  Her phone chirps.  She’s gotten a text message.

A she reaches for her phone, he gently grabs her hand.  He leans over her and grabs it off the nightstand himself.  Some dude has sent her a text message:  “Good morning beautiful.  I’m thinking about you.”

You can guess the rest.  They had a big fight.  Now he’s mad and insisted she block the guy from her phone.  And she’s mad because she feels she did nothing wrong, and that the boyfriend is overreacting and being controlling.  This whole scenario has led to a loss of trust on the boyfriend’s part.

Anyway, the point is that all of this should have been avoided.  She knew, or should have known, that these guys were trying to do more than just say hi.  Hot girls should know better.  Lukewarm girls should know better.  Anybody over the age of 25 should know better.

The point is that, no woman (or man) in the year 2015 should be getting tricked out of their phone number.  And personally, I don’t think that they do.  I think they know exactly what’s going on.  People go into those situations with their eyes wide open.  They are enjoying the attention and/or exploring their options.

Idiots are Made, Not Born (And It’s Your Fault)

2009 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

My friend Leah, after ending a 2-year exclusive relationship, called me, in tears, and asked the following question: “Why are men such idiots?!”

Two days later, another friend, Tracee, called after an exasperating second date and made the following declaration: ” Men are idiots.”

The details of their individual situations don’t really matter as much as the fact that they came to the same conclusion after experiencing vastly different sample sizes. I’ll offer this though: Leah’s guy seemed to be a good dude, but had issues with maturity and committment. Tracee’s guy, well, he IS an idiot.

My initial inclination both times was to say something dismissive like, “Welcome to the world of dating.” Or to give a smart-ass, “Suck it up.” I chose, however, not to offer either of those gems because they both really have come to expect more thoughfulness from me – though I’m not sure why.

What followed was a series of conversations with Leah that, while they didn’t resolve issues of why certain men are idiots, they hopefully shed some light on men’s behavior and left her better equipped as she moved forward trying to get her groove back.

For starters, my dear friend reads too many books on dating. She has all these rules, and expectations that sound great in theory, and even manage to get a few people paid, but none of that stuff really matters.  Most of it isn’t applicable to real life situations.

Here’s the real deal:  women are expected to be bettter people.  They just are. They’re taught from early on to be caring, and compassionate.  Men, on the other hand are allowed to be assholes.  Often, it’s instilled in them.  It’s just a fact.

Think about it. Little girls are taught to be honest, play nicely, and to care for others. And that’s a beautiful thing, really.

Little boys are taught to be rough and tough, and to win at all costs. What do you think sports are all about?  And please, don’t give me any nonsense about girls also playing sports.  It’s not the same.  I recently went to a girls youth-league basketball game and the girls were not allowed to take the ball away from the other team. Huh?!  If that’s not right out of the Stepford Wives starter kit I don’t know what is.

Little girls are given dolls that need to be fed and have their diapers changed.  Boys are given things to play at fighting, making war, or to generally beat someone at something.  Traditionally, young women go into the world idealistically, hoping to make it a better place.  Men, on the other hand, go out into the world seeking to conquer it, or at least some aspect of it.  Women are often as ambitious and accommplished as men, they just go about it differntly.

These differences are reinforced by almost every societal institution we have.  The schools – look at the differences in the approach to athletics; the Church – women are still struggling to gain acceptance in and access to the pulpit; contemporary music – no example necessary (almost any Hip Hop video will do); movies – most still play on the old “damsel in distress”/”night in shining armor” fairytale narrative as they relate to relationships (and also, men are usually in them blowing shit up).

How does this dynamic play out when it comes to relationships?  Most women enter into a new relationship, and early on, are enthusiastic and optomistic, wondering if it could lead to the wonderful life she’s always been told she should want.  She wonders if he could be The One. (We can address her neediness another time.)

Men – we just trying to get the drawers (slight oversimplification, maybe, but true for the most part).

I heard some of the most mysoginistic stuff as a young fella coming of age.  Older male relatives and guys from the neighborhood would often offer up some real doosies.  I don’t know a single guy who didn’t hear things like “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?” or “Only a poor rat has just one hole.”  And my personal favorite, “The only thing better than pussy is new pussy.”  (No, Chris Rock was not the first person to say that.  It was my Cousin Larry.)

Luckily, some men grow and mature, and are able to overcome the macho baggage we’ve been saddled with.  Some of us can merely suppress it.  That means it’s still there  – lurking just below the surface.

Our little chats didn’t solve my friends dating woes by any means.  Hopefully, it shed some light on men and left her better equipped to deal with the idiots she will likely encounter in the future.

 

WE’RE ALL LESBIANS NOW

index

Here is an excerpt from an actual conversation:

Me:     “Hey, what’s going on?”

Diane: “I’m in a lesbian relationship”

Me:

Diane: “Hello, you still there?”

Me:     “Uh…yeah…When did this happen?”  I then added the obligatory, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Diane:  ** Laughter **

Me:    “I thought you were still with that big-head dude.

Diane:  “I am, but he’s acting like such a woman lately, I feel like I’m dating a chick.”

Me:      ** Laughter **

Diane:  “This isn’t funny.”

Me:      “Oh, it’s REALLY funny.”  ** Laughter **  “What did he do?”

Diane:  “He’s walking around with an attitude, giving me the silent treatment.  Acting all bitchy.”

Me:      “Wow, that’s messed up.”

Diane:  “I know.  That’s MY move.  That’s what I do.  We can’t both be the woman in this relationship.”

First, let me point out that it was not me who associated a bad attitude and “acting all bitchy” with being a woman.  But hey, I understand.

Having gotten into the conversation, I had to ask the obvious question:  “What did you do?”

My friend Diane went on to explain that she didn’t do anything.  She had been extremely busy, and when the dust settled, she needed a little time for herself over the course of a weekend.

After very little prodding, my friend finally admitted, “I didn’t feel like being bothered.”

“Wow,” I said. “Do you leave the toilet seat up when you pee, too?  You’re not in a lesbian relationship, you’ve become a dude.”

 

What the heck is going on out hear with these relationships.  I get it:  women are more independent, making more money, and much more able and willing to take care of themselves these days.  And that’s a good thing.  But has it really come to this?  Are we really living in an upside-down world where men have relinquished their God-given right to be the inattentive, insenitive, jerks we were born to be?

Are you kidding me? This clown had a free weekend and he chose to spend it watching Sex In the City reruns and painting his toenails (or whatever these new-type ninjas do), all the while sniveling over the fact that his girl just needed to do her for a minute.  C’mon, Bruh.  Get it together!

I understand things have changed.  The women are doing their thing in the business world, making great strides, and that’s not going to change.  But has this new dynamic has extended beyond the boardroom, and into the bedroom?  What about in the kitchen?  (I don’t care what anybody says, there’s nothing like a woman in the kitchen.)

Are the fellas out there feeling less than manly about their situations, and they’re letting that affect their relationships?  Are women to blame?  Have they contributed to the immasculation of their men?

I believe both parties have to make adjustments.  For my friend, Diane, it was all in the presentation.  As I told her, she should have played it like she was giving HIM a free weekend to watch sports, hang with his boys, or do whatever it was that would have kept him from his little bitchy-fit.  I can assure you that if she had she done that, her sensitive-ass boyfriend would have reciprocated with concert or theartre tickets, movie night, or something that SHE would have appreciated the following weekend.  But noooo, she had to go all Crazy Eyes on him.

But I would have to put it mostly on the fellas.  We have to adjust to this relatively new era of dating independent women.  We can’t be mad at them for their success.  It should be a win-win situation.  The man should either be secure enough in his manhood and/or step up his game so he’s not bringing his insecurities into the relationship.

And here’s the bottom line:  Women don’t like ambiguity in a relationship, and they certainly don’t want that same softness in the bedroom.  They want a man that ain’t afraid to pull her hair, and spank her from the back, metaphorically, of course.  I think…

Of course that dynamic is easy to acheive if the dude is a high-powered mover and shaker.  The point that many men miss is that she can be Oprah-esque when it comes to career and finances, and the dude can be some loser right out of a Terri McMillan novel, and she’s still going to want him to be the MAN in the relationship.

 

Inaugural Post

bmh_tsr1sheet_rgb_0628_11-e1372699187626

Welcome to our Inaugural Post!  The WILL Report is a forum that represents an ongoing dialogue among a collection of friends about the ups and downs of life – the good, the bad, and the crazy.  Especially the crazy.  Through it all, we hope to provide one another with, as the tagline says, Wise Insights on Life and Living.  (The L’s in the acronym could have also been Love and Lust, or Laughs over Liquor, or even Living with Lovehandles.)

We often get together to openly and honestly discuss our “takes” on politics, popular culture, and of course, the messy mix of personal relationships in our own lives.  The dialogues are often about supporting each other, solving the world’s problems, and making each other laugh.

Although there are several primary contributors, the majority of the content will be conveyed through a couple of people in the group (note: the names have been changed to protect the innocent):

PT-AK510_BLUES4_DV_20081218184846

Will the Realist, a man who has done it all, and seen it all.  (He’s done some of it anyway – but that doesn’t stop him from having an opinion on the rest of it.)  Will is one of those people who’s always startin’ some shit.  His favorite pastime is going to bars and arguing with white dudes about Obama.

And

diahann-upper-crust-blacks

Peachez, (or Peach-ass as she’s known in some circles) a strong, inependent woman who is tired of all the bullshit.  She’s smart, funny, and a great conversationalist – in spite of her emotional baggage. Oh, and she needs a man…of her own (probably a recurring theme for discussion.)

And The Advisory Board

woman-boardroom-men-working-590sd05212010 No, this is not our Advisory Board!!!

 

Ours is more like this:

tumblr_ngwykljOMK1r1cuhyo1_1280

 

The Advisory Board:  Do you have any nosey-ass friends who are always in your business, giving you unsolicited advice when their shit is all messy?  That characterizes the remaining several members of our group, collectively known as The Advisory Board.  They have a lot to offer too, and we’ll convey their thoughts and opinions as well.

We humbly think that our insights are wise (or sometimes weird, maybe wild), and should be shared with the world, or at the very least should be ridiculed by all who visit the site. We look forward to YOUR comments and insights, as well.

10372216_751259318246355_402814411174403507_n

Now, we included this picture to demonstrate that we hope to have adult interactions on this site.  Plus, the ladies deserve a gratuitous sex shot every now and then.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: